Mom Guilt is a LIE: (Because You Didn't Commit a CRIME)

I hear and see this all the time... my dear friends, fellow moms all talking about feeling "guilty" nearly all of the time... Again, NEWS FLASH--- unless you committed and were found "guilty" of a crime, this is not the emotion, it's a trap...

Guilt Requires a Crime:

Let’s look at what guilt actually means. Real guilt is a signal from your brain that you did something morally wrong. It means you broke a rule, hurt someone on purpose, or committed a crime.

Did you rob a bank today? No. Did you break the law? No.

Choosing to go to the gym, ordering takeout instead of cooking a homemade meal, or letting your kids use iPads are not crimes. You did not do anything wrong. Therefore, guilt is not the right emotion.

When we use the wrong word, we can't solve the problem. If you treat a headache with a band-aid, your head still hurts. We need to find the true emotion behind the feeling so you can actually cope.

What Are You Really Feeling?

If it isn’t guilt, what is it? Next time that heavy feeling pops up, ask yourself if you are actually experiencing some of these, for example:

• Fear: You are worried that your choices will hurt your child's future. You fear they won't get into a good college because you didn't read to them tonight... okay, maybe not that extreme, but if you feel like a "bad person" for not attending the classroom party or missing a game... this is a hint that you might be taking things a little too far...

  
  

• Sadness: You miss your kids. If you work long hours, you might just feel sad that you missed out on their afternoon/activity.

  
  

• Overwhelmed: You have too much to do and not enough time. Your brain confuses the stress of a long to-do list with the idea that you are failing.

  
  

• Alone: You see everyone else doing "all the things" and then feel alone in the struggle.

  
  

• Ashamed: You may feel bad for not "enjoying" the moment, whatever it is. Thoughts like, "they are only little once," "I should be enjoying this," start to creep in...

  
  

Here, it's also important to differentiate between feeling "tired"-- a physical feeling, and "exhausted," an emotional feeling. You can't cope with "exhausted" by sleeping or avoiding; this requires a different approach.

How to Cope with the Real Emotion:

Once you name the true feeling, the "guilt" disappears. You can finally take action.

• If the real emotion is fear, look at the facts. Your child is loved, fed, and safe.

  
  

• If the real emotion is sadness, plan a special one-on-one date with your child this weekend. Lean into the love you feel for them instead of beating yourself up.

  
  

• If the real emotion is overwhelm, drop something from your schedule. Ask for help. Lower your standards for a clean house.

  
  

• If the real emotion is alone, pause and assess your support system. Can you utilize them more effectively to help with tasks, or to process how you are feeling. This could be a great time to have a chat with a girlfriend, listen to a podcast (we talk about this a lot on The LYLAS Podcast), and/or pray.

  
  

• If the real emotion is shame, write down the thought contributing to the emotion. It's likely an unhealthy expectation or other trap. Be real. Somethings SUCK about having kids. It's not all enjoyable, and it's not supposed to be. Faking an emotion "for the good of others" never really helps anyone.

  
  

You are a human being raising other human beings. You are doing a wonderful job. It is time to let yourself out of jail, because you never committed a crime in the first place.

Lastly, I know this can be tough. If doing the above doesn't work, it's okay; professional help exists. Use it. What you are going through is so common and can be greatly eased by talking to someone about it.